Bryan Craddock - Overcoming Conflict

On April 10, 1912, the RMS Titanic set sail from Southampton, England, en route to New York on her maiden voyage. In that day she was the largest and most luxurious passenger ship in the world. She was equipped with so many safety features that she was thought to be unsinkable, yet we all know what happened. Late in the night on April 14th, the ship's first officer gave the order to turn the ship to avoid hitting a large iceberg. But when you see an iceberg floating in the ocean, you're only seeing 10 percent of it. The other 90 percent lays under the surface of the water. That massive portion of the iceberg under the water brushed the side of the Titanic, buckling the hull in several places and sending the unsinkable ship to the bottom of the ocean.

The story of the Titanic is all too similar to what we see in the lives of many Christians. They seem spiritually unsinkable, yet there is an iceberg in their lives just waiting to sink them. It may not seem like a major issue, but that's because only 10 percent of it is visible.

Peter Scazzero, pastor of New Life Fellowship in Queens, New York, tells about his iceberg. He was a third generation Italian American. His grandparents and parents labored in a little pastry shop to send him and his siblings to college. While in college he became a Christian, and later he felt the Lord's call to ministry. He attended prestigious seminaries and ultimately planted a multi-ethnic church in Queens. He and his wife, Geri, had four great daughters. The church was growing. They seemed unsinkable.

Peter relates what happened.
Late one evening, as I was sitting on our bed reading, [Geri] entered the room and calmly informed me: 'Pete, I'd be happier single than married to you. I am getting off this roller coaster. I love you but refuse to live this way anymore. I have waited...I have tried talking to you. You aren't listening. I can't change you. That is up to you. But I am getting on with my life."

She was resolute: "Oh, yes, by the way, the church you pastor? I quit. Your leadership isn't worth following" (Scazzero, Emotionally Healthy Spirituality, 17).
I'm sure the people in Peter's church had no idea. The small portion of our lives that people see can look very spiritual. But what about the portion that is out of view under the surface? Peter Scazzero admits, "I finally acknowledged the painful truth that huge areas of my life (or iceberg, if you prefer) remained untouched by Jesus Christ. My biblical knowledge, leadership position, seminary training, experience, and skills had not changed that embarrassing reality" (18). That iceberg threatened to sink both Peter's marriage and his ministry career.

James 1:22 says, "But prove yourselves doers of the word, and not merely hearers who delude themselves." It's easy to listen to God's Word week after week, but never really let it change us. It's easy to deceive ourselves by blaming all of our problems on other people. But at some point we have to open our eyes to the reality of the iceberg. We all have areas of our lives that remain untouched by Jesus Christ--areas that hinder our spiritual growth--areas that while largely hidden threaten to sink us. Are you aware of those areas in your life? Are you ready to do something about it? In His grace God has given you another opportunity to grow and change.

This summer we've been probing into many of those areas beneath the surface: lust, guilt, anger, and forgiveness. But at the most basic level is the question of how we deal with conflict. How do you relate to people? What do you do when there is a problem? How do you respond when someone offends you or when you have offended someone else? How do you deal with the normal tensions that come up in relationships in this fallen world?

I would like to pull together for us the biblical teaching on this subject by walking us through a step by step guide on how to respond to conflict. The Bible has a lot to say on this subject. We won't be able to get through all of it today, so we'll take our time and plan to continue next week.

What do you do when some kind of conflict arises?

1. Take it seriously.

Some of us are just insensitive. We think that everything is someone else's problem. Some of us have learned to handle conflict by blowing it off. We like to think that if we ignore it long enough, everything will just work out. But the truth is that ignoring issues, seldom helps matters. Eventually this kind of behavior creates an emotional distance between you and other people in your life. People withdraw because they perceive you as shallow.

But blowing off conflict not only distances you from people. It distances you from God. Jesus addressed this in Matthew 5:23-24: "Therefore if you are presenting your offering at the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your offering there before the altar and go; first be reconciled to your brother, and then come and present your offering." What is Jesus thinking? Isn't God more important than people?

When you look back up to verse 21 you see that this statement Jesus made about resolving conflict is an application of the sixth commandment: "You shall not commit murder." God wants us to love and value people. Murder is the extreme opposite of that. But Jesus was showing that when you go through life ignoring your problems with people, you aren't loving or valuing them. True, it's not the same as murdering someone, but it's nevertheless a violation of what God wants to see in your life.

Loving God cannot be separated from loving people. In 1 John 4:20-21, the Apostle John explained, "If someone says, 'I love God,' and hates his brother, he is a liar; for the one who does not love his brother whom he has seen, cannot love God whom he has not seen. And this commandment we have from Him, that the one who loves God should love his brother also."

It's sort of like your relationship with your in-laws. A couple had gotten into an argument while they were on a trip, and they were both seething, looking for some way to get back at the other. As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife asked, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the husband replied, "In-laws." That didn't help matters, did it?

Part of loving your spouse is loving your spouse's family. When you're at odds with your in-laws, it hinders your relationship with your spouse. It's the same way with God. He's created every human being in his image. When you're at odds with people, it hinders your relationship with God, so we have to take conflict seriously.

I think a lot of us go to Bible studies and serve in ministries in the church and do all kinds of other good spiritual activities, but we continue to ignore broken relationships with people. We're fooling ourselves if we think, that God is pleased with that. Put aside your Bible study. Skip church. Be reconciled first. That's how important this is.

When a conflict arises and you're the one who has been offended...

2. Slow down.

While some of us try to ignore conflict, others of us are quick to respond--too quick. We tend to blurt out words we later regret. The answer is slowing down, restraining that initial reaction so that we have the time to think clearly.

Consider these verses from Proverbs:
    •    Proverbs 12:16 - A fool's anger is known at once, but a prudent man conceals dishonor.
    •    Proverbs 12:18 - There is one who speaks rashly like the thrusts of a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.
    •    Proverbs 13:3 - The one who guards his mouth preserves his life; the one who opens wide his lips comes to ruin.
    •    Proverbs 15:18 - A hot-tempered man stirs up strife, but the slow to anger calms a dispute.
    •    Proverbs 15:28 - The heart of the righteous ponders how to answer, but the mouth of the wicked pours out evil things.
    •    Proverbs 17:27-28 - He who restrains his words has knowledge, and he who has a cool spirit is a man of understanding. Even a fool, when he keeps silent, is considered wise; when he closes his lips, he is considered prudent.
    •    Proverbs 21:23 - He who guards his mouth and his tongue, guards his soul from troubles.
    •    Proverbs 29:11 - A fool always loses his temper, but a wise man holds it back.
    •    Proverbs 29:20 - Do you see a man who is hasty in his words? There is more hope for a fool than for him.

In the files of Abraham Lincoln, historians have found a letter he had written and stored away in July 1863 a little over a week after the Battle of Gettysburg. In that battle General George Meade led the Union's Army of the Potomac to victory over General Robert E. Lee and the Confederate Army If Meade had moved decisively against Lee at that point, he could have forced his surrender and ended the war. Instead, Meade delayed and the Confederates escaped. Lincoln was furious. He poured our his anger into this letter. He predicted that Meade's failure would prolong the war indefinitely. Upon further reflection, however, Lincoln decided that the letter was too strong. He wrote upon the envelope, "To Gen. Meade never sent or signed."

As you look back over your life, aren't there occasions when you spoke your mind too quickly? Don't you wish you had followed Lincoln's example? There is great wisdom in unsent letters. Be careful in the midst of a conflict. Slow down and guard your words. If at all possible, step away from the immediate situation.

I would particularly encourage those of you who are parents to slow down. I know how it is - the complaining, the whining, the threats, the manipulation... And that's just us, not the kids! Our kids have a way of drawing our behavior down to their level. I keep seeing more and more that the number one rule in teaching our children discipline is to first practice it ourselves.

Once you've slowed yourself down, then what? Let me suggest a few steps that should come before we get to the point of speaking with someone. Even better than writing a letter...

3. Pray

James 1:5 says, "But if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all generously and without reproach, and it will be given to him." In the context, James was talking about responding to trials, and what's more trying than dealing with conflict?

We tend to go vent to other people. Don't do that. Go to God. Cast your cares upon Him. Tell Him what you're feeling. Ask Him for wisdom to know how to respond. Entrust the situation to Him.

Not only that, pray for the other person with whom you have the conflict. Jesus said, "You have heard that it was said, 'YOU SHALL LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR and hate your enemy. But I say to you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you" (Matthew 5:43-44). Those weren't just empty words. Jesus followed through on them. He interceded with God for the same men who were nailing him to the cross. Stephen did the same in the book of Acts as he was being stoned to death.

Most of us seldom face conflict of that magnitude. If a normal man like Stephen could respond that way in the face of death, don't you think it's possible for us to respond that way toward those who offend us? They're not enemies. Most of the time our conflicts are with the very people with whom we are closest--our spouses, our children, other family members, co-workers, or fellow church members. Doesn't it make sense to pray for them?

Along with praying, we should use that time to take a fourth step...

4. Examine yourself.

Jesus gave us a great picture of self-examination. It's found in Matthew 7:3-5: "Why do you look at the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' and behold, the log is in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye."

It's always easier to see someone else's flaws. We tend to be blind to our own faults. When we've been offended in some way, we need to slow down, pray, and search our own hearts. Maybe you're the source of the problem, not the other person. Maybe you need to ask forgiveness, rather than seeking to confront. Maybe there's something that God wants to teach you in the midst of this conflict. Are you listening?

Conflict is one of the great tools that God uses to help us see ourselves for who we really are, and that is essential for our growth. The early church father Augustine, writing 1,600 years ago, asked, "How can you draw close to God when you are far from your own self?" The 16th Century Reformation leader, John Calvin wrote, "Our wisdom... consists almost entirely of two parts: the knowledge of God and of ourselves. But as these are connected together by many ties, it is not easy to determine which of the two precedes and gives birth to the other."

This iceberg that exists in our lives can be broken up. But in order to do so, you have to be willing to open ourselves up to the light and warmth of God's Word. We have to have the courage to humble ourselves before God and pray as David did, "Search me, O God, and know my heart; try me and know my anxious thoughts; and see if there be any hurtful way in me, and lead me in the everlasting way" (Psalm 139:23-24).

When those times of conflict hit, you may feel frustrated and utterly defeated. You may look back at all the experiences that have shaped you and say, I can never change. But that's not true. Take heart. God is at work in you.

We've looked at four steps toward overcoming conflict today. We'll continue our list next week.