Bryan Craddock - Overcoming Conflict Part 2

It's amazing that we're already half way through the month of August. This is the time of year when football begins to get into full swing. Colleges and high schools, even junior football leagues are all getting rolling.

I've always been impressed by the way guys who play football get used to being hit. I remember talking to one friend who played defensive line for his high school, and he told me that during the course of a game almost each of his fingers would get jammed at some point. He would have bruises all over. None of that seemed to bother him as long as the other team was fighting fair, playing by the rules.

Last week we started to examine what the Scripture has to say about overcoming conflict in our lives. As we continue that study today, it may help us to think of conflict as an intense sport with rules we need to follow in order to play the game fairly.

Last week I started to walk through God's rules for playing the game of conflict. Let me review them briefly. When you sense some kind of conflict, first, take it seriously, because the way in which you relate to people has a major influence on your relationship with God. Second, slow down rather than responding according to the emotion of the moment. Third, take to time to pray for wisdom and for the person who has offended you. And fourth, examine yourself. As Jesus said, take the log out of your own eye before you go trying to remove the speck from someone else's eye.

Those first four steps are all personal and internal. They all deal with our own heart. Once we've started with ourselves, then we can turn back to the conflict itself and the other person.

The next step then is...

5. Consider overlooking it.

Proverbs 19:11 says, "A man's discretion makes him slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook a transgression." 1 Peter 4:8 says, "Above all, keep fervent in your love for one another, because love covers a multitude of sins." I think we would all agree that some offenses are small enough that they should simply be overlooked. Have you ever had someone in your life who confronted you every time you stepped out of line in the slightest way? They make you want to break the rules just for their benefit.

We should not and cannot confront every sin. That is nagging. So how do we determine what we should overlook? Let me suggest some considerations.

First, was this offense intentional or unintentional? Some of us are hyper-sensitive. We take even the smallest things personally. And to make matters worse--rather than just taking someone's actions at face value, we assume that the person has some evil motive. When you think that way, even the most innocent actions can become offensive. But 1 Corinthians 13:7 tells us that love "believes all things" or the NIV says, "always trusts."  Love calls us to believe the best about people. We have to take someone's actions at face value.

Second, has the person really violated a biblical command or just your personal preference? A lot of our conflicts are not initially about sin issues. They often begin with our wants and desires. James 4:1-3 says, "What is the source of quarrels and conflicts among you? Is not the source your pleasures that wage war in your members? You lust and do not have; so you commit murder. You are envious and cannot obtain; so you fight and quarrel. You do not have because you do not ask. You ask and do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, so that you may spend it on your pleasures."

It's not wrong to share your preference with someone. We should feel free to share our preferences, but conflict escalates when we begin to demand what we want. We need to remember and personally practice passages like Philippians 2:3-4 which says, "Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others."

Third, will addressing the offense really help matters or just satisfy your own sense of justice? Romans 12:17 says, "Never pay back evil for evil to anyone." Yet that's our inclination when we get into some kind of conflict. It's not enough to come with an accusation, you must have a rationale.

Fourth, will addressing the offense help the person grow? Do you realize that confronting someone's sin may be one of the most loving things that you can do for them? Proverbs 27:5 says, "Better is open rebuke than love that is concealed." It's sort of like when you have some food on your face. It's kind of embarrassing when someone first points it out, but when they do it in a discreet way it saves you further embarrassment.

But even beyond the issue of embarrassment, if you really desire to please the Lord, then you want to grow. Sometimes I speak with people who are struggling with some sin, and they find great relief in being able to talk to someone openly about it - someone who desires to help them. In Matthew 18:15 Jesus said, "If your brother sins, go and show him his fault in private; if he listens to you, you have won your brother." That's the goal...to win your brother, to help him overcome sin and temptation.

Fifth, will addressing this offense protect other people? Sometimes a sin may involve physical harm, and we need to take action in those circumstances. But we also have to be concerned about the harmful influence sin can have among believers in the church. When Paul wrote his first letter to the Corinthians, a man in the church was living in an immoral relationship with his step mother. Paul called the church to take action. In 1 Corinthians 5:6 he said, "Do you not know that a little leaven leavens the whole lump of dough?" His point was that sin is infectious. It influences people. It spreads. If the whole church was actually applauding this immoral behavior, others in the church would see less reason to resist similar temptations. The same influence happens when anyone in the church persists in some known sin without being confronted.

Once we're sure that the issue is really something that needs to be addressed, how do we proceed? The next five steps all have to do with communication.

6. Speak privately

I refer back to Jesus' instruction in Matthew 18:15 again. He said, "If your brother sins, go and show him his fault in private." Literally, the original language says, "Between you and him only." Why does Jesus require that it be done in private?

It's difficult enough to have your sin exposed privately, but when someone does it in front of other people there is a heightened degree of shame and embarrassment. The goal here is not to shame someone. We speak to them in private because we love them and our goal is to win them, to help them grow. It would be particularly good for all of us as parents to keep that in mind when we speak to our children.

Speaking privately means speaking with someone one on one, but I think it also suggests to us that we need to speak directly to the individual and not to others. When we're offended our temptation is to go talk to someone else rather than the person who has offended us. That's not loving. Let's call it what it is. That is gossip--slander. Proverbs speaks about the damage that such talking does. Proverbs 11:13 says, "He who goes about as a talebearer reveals secrets,But he who is trustworthy conceals a matter." And Proverbs 17:9 says, "He who conceals a transgression seeks love, but he who repeats a matter separates intimate friends."

We have to be on our toes. Often people will come to us and begin to gossip. We need to recognize that for what it is. That is one of those sins that can have terrible, divisive influence in the church. Stop that person and encourage them to go speak to the person who has offended them.

Next...

7. Speak the truth.

Once we get face to face with someone, it's intimidating. We have a tendency to begin to back off, to soften the truth. Proverbs 28:23 gives us good advice: "He who rebukes a man will afterward find more favor than he who flatters with the tongue." Proverbs 26:28 adds this, "A lying tongue hates those it crushes, and a flattering mouth works ruin."

We should try to encourage people. But flattery isn't helpful; it's destructive. I think people sense when you're not being forthright with them. They begin to doubt you and distrust you, wondering what you really think. When we speak with someone about an issue we need to have the courage to be clear and truthful.

Speaking the truth also means directing people to the Scripture. We believe that the Scripture is inspired by God and therefore carries His authority. If someone has committed a sin, they need to see that it's not merely a matter between you and them. It is a matter between that person and God. The best way to communicate this to someone is by taking them to Scripture passages that specifically address their situation.

Having said that, I need to add another comment. The eighth step...

8. Speak gently

Proverbs 15:1-2 speaks to this point. It says, "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. The tongue of the wise makes knowledge acceptable, but the mouth of fools spouts folly."

Have you ever noticed that when you push someone into a corner, they instinctively push back? When you attack, they naturally defend themselves. I like the way the NASB translates verse 2, "The tongue of the wise makes knowledge acceptable." Part of being a good communicator, is learning to communicate in such a way that people don't feel threatened. That's part of the reason all of those earlier steps are necessary. We have to put aside our own anger, so that when we speak to someone they sense genuine love and concern. They need to sense that we want to help.

One practical approach to this, is that we come to people initially with questions. What was your intent? Have you thought about how that would affect others?

Another approach is to share personal impressions. When you did that, I really felt... It seemed to me that you...

Proverbs 16:23-24 says, "The heart of the wise instructs his mouth and adds persuasiveness to his lips. Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones." That's our goal. We aren't trying to attack, we're trying to bring healing. We don't flatter, but we do try to phrase our words in a way intended to help, not hurt.

What about when you're on the receiving end of this speaking? What about when you've spoken and someone responds.

The ninth step is...

9. Listen.

James 1:19 says, "This you know, my beloved brethren, but everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger."  When someone speaks to you, do you ever find yourself working on your reply before they've even finished talking? Do you interrupt before they finish? Do you find yourself so caught up in the emotion of the moment that you don't even process what you're hearing? Most of us are not good listeners.

Proverbs has much to say on the importance of listening when we're being confronted with sin.

    * 12:1 - Whoever loves discipline loves knowledge, but he who hates reproof is stupid.

    * 13:18 - Poverty and shame will come to him who neglects discipline, but he who regards reproof will be honored.

    * 15:31-32 - He whose ear listens to the life-giving reproof will dwell among the wise. He who neglects discipline despises himself, but he who listens to reproof acquires understanding.

    * 18:2 - A fool does not delight in understanding, but only in revealing his own mind.

It's very difficult to listen when we're being confronted, but it helps to remember all of these steps that we've talked about. If someone has worked up the courage to come to you and has invested the time to come and speak the truth, gently in private, then you have to recognize that effort as a labor of love. Even if the person isn't following the biblical instructions, it's always to your benefit to listen. Thank the person, even if it's hard.

On a practical level, it may be helpful to write down what a person says to you. It's also good to repeat back what you're hearing so that the person can clarify his or her thoughts. In some cases, you may need more time to reflect on what the person has said.  It's good to do that. Ask for some time. Pick a time to speak again.

That leads me to a tenth step...

10. Take responsibility.

Proverbs 28:13 says, "He who conceals his transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will find compassion." When we're confronted, we tend to justify our behavior. We make excuses. We blame it on other people. Sometimes we minimize our behavior by trying to laugh it off. 

The advice of this verse is to confess and forsake your transgression. Own up to it. Ask the person's forgiveness. Commit to change. If there is some kind of damage involved, do whatever can be done to repair the situation.

When you are the one who has been offended, and the offender responds in this way, you have to take responsibility to forgive. A few weeks ago we spoke about the subject of forgiveness, so I won't take the time to go into it now.

These ten steps give us a picture of what it looks like when we deal biblically with conflict. When it works this way, people grow and relationships are strengthened. But let's be honest. It takes great emotional and spiritual maturity to respond this way. Many times people do not take responsibility for their behavior. What then? What do you do when someone is unwilling to listen? You go back to step 5 again. Consider overlooking it. But if the issue is going to be detrimental to the person or to others, then we can't just shrug our shoulders and ignore it. We have to move to another step.

11. Ask for help.

Jesus described this next step and beyond in Matthew 18:15-16. We read, "If your brother sins, go and show him his fault in private; if he listens to you, you have won your brother. But if he does not listen to you, take one or two more with you, so that BY THE MOUTH OF TWO OR THREE WITNESSES EVERY FACT MAY BE CONFIRMED."

The person may have blown off your first contact, but the presence of other people raises the stakes. These other people should be godly people who know the Scripture well and are able to bring some objectivity. In most cases, it would be appropriate for church leaders to serve in this capacity. As they hear both sides of the matter, they may conclude that it's not worth pursuing further. In that case, as the one who raised the issue, you should respect their judgment.

The other possibility, however, is that they will see a legitimate concern and will join with you in encouraging the person to turn from his sin. If he does not, we again go back to step 5. Can this sin be overlooked? If not, then Jesus' instruction is to raise the stakes again by telling the church. Matthew 18:17 says, "If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector." This is an extreme measure, but the point is that the entire church is mobilized to encourage the person to repent.

If the person still resists, then Jesus says they are to be excluded from the fellowship of the church. As we said earlier, sin spreads and it cannot be allowed to continue to influence the church. Even then, the ultimate goal is to communicate the seriousness of sin so that the person will take responsibility by confessing and repenting.

What sins should be dealt with this way? 1 Corinthians 5 gives the example of open, persistent sexual immorality. 2 Thessalonians 3 gives the example of a person who was unwilling to work and took advantage of the generosity of the church. Titus 3:10 speaks of a person who is trying to stir up factions within the church.

Conflict alone is a normal part of the rough and tumble game of life. We should expect it, but we should play by the rules. Sin, however, is not a game. Our struggle with sin and temptation is all out warfare. This strong biblical teaching on church discipline communicates how seriously we should view sin. This biblical practice of discipline flows out of a genuine love for people that is willing to go to extreme measures to help them break free from the sin that so easily entangles us. \

Conclusion

We've covered a lot of ground on this subject. There's a lot to absorb here, but as we conclude today, I return to where we started last week. The way you handle conflict is incredibly important to God. That's why the Scripture has so much to say about it. If you love God, you must love people. And the real test of your love, is not what you do when everything is going smoothly--it's how you respond in the midst of conflict.